Online dating: Why do people catfish? Red flags to watch out for and how to deal

Anyone who’s ventured into the world of online dating knows about catfishing, or at least they should. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, catfishing is when someone uses a phoney online persona to cajole you into a relationship. It tends to be more than a little white lie and can involve an entire profile with a made-up backstory, stolen photos, and maybe even a fake name. Also read | Sex on first date: Is casual sex a relationship killer?
Catfish is a very real thing in online dating, and it’s important to be able to identify warning signs so you can protect yourself against online imposters. To learn more about the phenomenon, we spoke with Nupur Dhakephalkar, founder and chief clinical psychologist of the Center for Mental Health, to understand why people catfish and what you can do if you’ve been catfished by someone you met on a dating app.
Nupur says people may catfish due to feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, or loneliness. By assuming a new identity, they can escape aspects of their real-life they find unfulfilling or distressing. 
She says, “For some, it’s a way to explore relationships without the vulnerability of being truly ‘seen.’ In some cases, people may catfish out of a need for control or validation, using deception to fulfill emotional needs that aren’t being met. Others may struggle with social anxiety, which makes authentic interactions feel more challenging. As troubling as it can be for those involved, catfishing is often a sign of deeper psychological issues, a coping mechanism for managing difficult feelings.”
 
Are there common red flags that might indicate you’re talking to a catfish? According to Nupur, one of the most common red flags of catfishing is an unwillingness to meet in person or even have live video calls, despite an intense online connection. This allows that person to maintain their false identity without risking exposure, she says.
“Another indicator is inconsistent or vague personal details, like evasive answers about their location, job, or past experiences. This is often because the person behind the profile is actively concealing elements of their real-life to maintain the illusion. Catfishers may also exhibit rapid, intense emotional attachment early on in the relationship. They might try to establish trust very quickly, often using overly affectionate language or sharing dramatic personal stories to foster sympathy. This can be a manipulative tactic to deepen emotional investment before the truth unravels,” Nupur says.
If you’ve been catfished by someone you met online, it’s important to allow yourself space to process what can feel like a major betrayal, according to Nupur. Start by acknowledging the range of emotions that often come with this experience — anger, sadness, embarrassment, or even grief. 
“These reactions are normal, as the attachment you felt was likely real, even if the identity behind it was not,” she says. Nupur adds that setting boundaries is crucial. 
She says, “If the catfisher tries to maintain contact, recognise that continuing the interaction can reopen emotional wounds. It’s usually best to cut ties, block them on platforms, and prioritise your own mental well-being. Afterward, give yourself time to reflect and, if necessary, seek support from friends, family, or even a therapist. Discussing the experience with others can provide both perspective and validation, helping to restore trust in future relationships.”
It’s very common for those who’ve been catfished to struggle with self-blame, thinking they ‘should have known’, but this isn’t a reflection of personal naivety or poor judgment but rather a result of someone else’s manipulation, according to Nupur.
To deal with the situation in a healthy manner, practice self-compassion by acknowledging that anyone can be vulnerable to deceit, especially when they’re open to connection, she says. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship, as the attachment and emotions felt were genuine even if the persona was not.
Nupur adds, “Journaling or talking through your feelings can help you process and make sense of what happened. And in time, reframing the experience as something that, while painful, has taught valuable lessons about online boundaries and self-trust, can be a powerful way to move forward.”
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice.